


Being a Doll Princess

by anticyclone



Category: Wind on Fire - William Nicholson
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 00:26:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/972119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anticyclone/pseuds/anticyclone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Sisi is afraid to move.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being a Doll Princess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deepdarkwaters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deepdarkwaters/gifts).



Sometimes, Sisi is afraid to move.

***

She doesn't tell anyone this, of course. Not more than once.

"Lunki," she had murmured, eyes fixed on the wall of her room. She waited for a few breaths for a response, and when none came, repeated, "Lunki?"

Her nanny had been busy running around the room, spreading out new clothes brought in from her mother's recent trip to visit her relatives. Sisi hadn't been invited, but that wasn't surprising. The Jodhi insisted that a princess was not to take more time in the sun than necessary.

Sisi could feel the heavy weight of her dress from the tops of her shoulders to the tips of her toes. Right then, it felt like what an entire carriage must weigh. There seemed to be no way for sunlight to penetrate that kind of heaviness.

"Yes, sweetie? What is it? I'll be all ready for you to see your new clothes in just a moment. My baby must wait for the very best arrangement to get the full impression of them all."

Though she was rarely anywhere near the sun. Her mother knew it best. Sisi had relented in part because of that, because her parents knew best, and in part because she didn't care. Why would she bother to visit relatives who couldn't see her face? Why spend more time with in a veil, listening to forced conversation, and avoiding eating foods that she could barely stomach the sight of?

It had been better to stay home, where at least there was an empty hallway or two to stretch her legs in. Lunki always said that stretching her legs would make them grow longer when she was older. Sisi always eyed Lunki's frame and determined she would at least like to be taller than that, and would walk up and down a hall, using a fan to mimic the feeling of wind on her face.

That had been the plan anyway. Plans always went awry. That was Sisi's experience when it came to making plans. Hers were usually superseded by someone else's, like her mother's, but during this past week she had simply been overcome by tiredness.

Most of those days, being short hadn't seemed nearly as bad as having to get out of bed. 

Lunki had assured her it was all right. It was better not to run the risk of being taller than her future husband. Besides, if the Sirharasi wasn't entitled to a rest, then who was?

Sisi breathed in and out. "Lunki, I think I should just rest here."

"Stay here? Of course," Lunki said, and Sisi's heart lifted an inch. The princess cringed unattractively when her nanny continued, though. "You can't very well try on all your new gowns in the hallway!" she said, laughing.

Lowering her eyes, Sisi stared at her hands.

The clothes already on her body made her shoulders sag, and her spine slump. When she finally noticed, Lunki let out an undignified yelp and rushed over to straighten the princess back out. Her wide, flat hands press against Sisi's back and shoulders, pushing her up until even the manners tutor would applaud her posture. Sisi blinked water away from the corners of her eyes.

"No, Lunki, don't. I just want to curl up--"

"Not like that, sweetie," Lunki cooed. She pushed Sisi's hair away from her face and helped her to turn and lay her back down on the mattress. "You gave me such a fright, doubled over like that! You'll hurt your back and bring on a hunch! Are you sick? Do I need to bring boiled water?"

"No water," Sisi murmured. "I couldn't lift my head to drink it."

"Oh, my poor baby!"

"Don't get the doctor, Lunki. I just have to stay still."

Lunki touched the back of her hand to Sisi's forehead and clucked. "No fever. Is the room spinning?"

"I don't want to wrinkle," Sisi explained. She wanted to press her hands to her face, but pulled her will in until it didn't touch anywhere but her lungs and heart. She didn't want to risk straining herself. "I don't want to wrinkle, or stretch too far, or get too tall, or--"

"Oh, Sisi, Sisi," Lunki said. She laid a careful kiss to Sisi's forehead this time. "Hush, hush. You're delirious. You need a good long sleep."

Sisi opened and shut her mouth without speaking. She didn't part her lips again. She simply shut her eyes, and let Lunki get about her business.

Her nanny put up every new gown and closed every wardrobe door. She tucked blankets in around Sisi when a draft picked up, and locked the windows tight.

***

Sometimes, Sisi is afraid to move.

This happens in her bed, which is easiest. But not only there. She's been struck with the fear at dinner, while having lessons, in carriages, and once, horribly, halfway between her bed and the night lamp on the far side of the bedroom which a stray wind had snuffed out.

She'd stood there, trembling in the dark, until sunrise. The dark crushed against her, insisted on curling around her arms and legs, slipped under her clothes, and flooded her sight. After only a few minutes she hadn't been able to tell the difference between staring at the room and squeezing her eyes shut.

Then Lunki had come and put her back to bed, and she had fallen asleep. When she woke up the terror of those hours had dulled to the point where she could get out of bed again.

Sometimes when she looks in the mirror she thinks she can see each moment of every day of her life etched there, digging deeper and deeper into her skin, twisting it into wrinkles and spots and hideous growths. She wants to scream, but pulls her will away from her vocal cords, determined not to damage those, either. Presumably her future husband will want to listen only to the sound of a sweet voice.

And sometimes she thinks that she's being ridiculous. That's what holds her tongue whenever she imagines telling her mother of her fear, or Lunki again.

They tell her that she is beautiful.

They tell her that she is radiant.

Sisi looks at herself and sees these things. Most of the time.

But sometimes, she is afraid to move.

She is afraid to tilt her head and discover an angle in the mirror where her face looks like a shadow instead of a ray of shining light. She is afraid of wearing her beauty out before her future husband ever removes her veil.

Everyone calls her beautiful, calls her radiant, even those who have not seen her. Especially those who have not seen her. Though she doesn't go among them, she knows that the country knows her simply as Radiance, and that they know for certain what is behind her veil though they've never witnessed it for themselves.

Sometimes Sisi is afraid she will disappoint them. So she steels herself, and draws her will deep inside her, and learns to speak without moving her lips for those times when the fear grips her.

Inside only, she stretches, determined to believe from top to bottom that she is as Radiant as they say. Sisi pushes herself to believe that her beauty is not a thing to be swept away on a breeze.

Most of the time, it works.


End file.
